shrouded_dream (shrouded_dream) wrote in polygender_ppl,

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Now even the gender pronouns upset me (X-posted)

I went to a few Halloween parties last weekend dressed as a Maid and Rocky-Horroresque next. That was a good time, and it's getting better dressing as a girl. A lot more improvement can be done but it was better than last Halloween I think maybe.

I've also been wearing skirts more often lately. My roommate has finally seen me in one a few times and I've worn some to two different classes a few times each. In fact I gave a speech about transgenders for public speaking today.

It's not as bad as high school. I haven't really gotten any shit. Stares of course, but I try not to pay attention.

I'm struggling with where I want to take this though. I've come to the clear conclusion that I am transgender, which is basically an umbrella term for anyone who identifies and/or expresses themselves in a way that goes against the conventions of their physical gender. This includes transvestites, androgynous and gender-queer people and transexuals among others. I don't quite consider myself transvestite, androgynous or transsexual(at least presently) so I'm having a hard time trying to make more sense of it.

It's getting to be something that bothers me constantly, but I don't talk about it too much. I feel bad burdening people with my complicated, strange issues because it's not something that a lot of people can understand. And I wouldn't expect for anyone to understand. I should probably get involved in more transgender groups online as most of my real life friends wouldn't understand. but I never have a lot of time for it. I also need to make an appointment with a therapist, but I'm relunctant because not all would be able to help me, and what I really need is someone who understands. I'm also reluctant because I am considering female hormones, and they grill the shit out of you for months before they will even consider you for them. So I'm not prepared to deal with that sort of disconfirmation right now.

Aside from that I am trying to stabilize my life. I'm trying to limit the times I go out or screw around, and get more work and sleep done instead.

I'd really wish I'd stay in better contact with people, but like I said, I am dealing with a lot. It's not a judgment on anyone in particular.
In 2002 Mathy study, 50% of transgenders have attempted suicide.
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